Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
