WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
