Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
