we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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