I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
