i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
