You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i love accidental penises.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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