I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
