Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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