she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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