im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
