Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
