god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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