Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
