I accidentally had phone sex last night
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
