she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
