He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
