man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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