The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
