He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
