Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
