My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
