She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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