Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
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Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
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blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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