My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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