I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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