Joe is yelling at the trees again.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
