he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Randomize
