Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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