i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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