my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
