Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
