I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
