omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
