what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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