Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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