Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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