Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
