i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
