This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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