i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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