look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
