I'm lost and stupid without you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
