its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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