you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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