I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Terrible idea I love it
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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