You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
