So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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