im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
