is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
