mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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