I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
