I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
