And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
