Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I don't deserve a penis
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
