I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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